Saturday Night Live, Maya Rudolph, John Mulaney, Beck Bennett, Kenan Thompson - New York Musical lyrics

(Spoken)

Hey, man, how's business?

At the souvenir store in Times
Square during the pandemic? Uh
It's not great

Alright, well then I'll buy two
Of those snow globes

Wow, thank you! That's really gonna
Put me over the top, buddy

I'll take that photo of you and your kids

That's a personal item, not for sale

Oh, okay then I'll buy that
"I Heart New York" underwear

What was that?

Those briefs that announce how much I
Love New York i'll take 'em

You're buying underwear from a
Souvenir store in
Times Square? They're not even wrapped!

So what? I like to show
My support for the city

Kid, kid
You're sure you wanna buy the underpants?

Actually, you're right i should
Try 'em on first

Try them on?

You wanna take this pair of unwashed
"I Love New York" underpants
And you want to put it on your naked body?

Yeah do you have, like
A fitting room or something?

Uh, sure, we have a fitting
Room hey Times Square Minion, why
Don't you show this guy the
Back of the store
Where the people of Times Square habitate?

(Song)

Mascots be shady tonight

Minnie and Elsa will fight

If you take a selfie
Then you better give us money

Or I'll show your daughter a knife (Spoken)

So after seeing that
Do you still wanna buy the underwear?

Yeah i love New York and I want
My modest bulge to show that

Of all the items in this store
You see you've made

(Song) one grave miscalculation
Buying filthy underwear

Bugs, with no hesitation
Will nest in your pubic hair

One million novelty items and he chose those

It'd be like shopping at Arby's for pantyhose

One skidmark on the inside
That's not the only stain I see

You'll prob'ly get an STD so run
Son

You would have to be psychotic
Or on strong antibiotics don't buy those!

(Spoken)

Dude, they seem really bad
Even for Times Square

Yeah, when do you think things
Are gonna bounce back?

That's what I wanna know

Shrimp Louie, the Bubba Gump Shrimp mascot
I can't believe you're still here, darling

(Song)

Where have they gone? The tourists who came?
Who will eat up all my
Shrimp and drink spiked lemonade?
Send in the crowds
Those confused German crowds

We miss TKTS and bad seats for cheap

Even Tim Horton's has closed, Canadians weep

And where are the crowds?

I can't grope without crowds

(Spoken)

Well, I see one guy across
The street with binoculars

Oh, that's not a tourist that's
The DIddler on the Roof

(Song)

Strip off your clothes no one will know
Peek through my legs
And polish my uncut gems

(Spoken)

This must be why everyone's
Moving to Connecticut or
Jersey and buying one-room shacks for $900
000

Fools! You don't give up on my city that easy

(Song) i lived through Warhol
I lived through Bethenny Frankel
And I'm here
Danced for the '86 Mets and broke my ankle
But, I'm here

I lived through Times Square
Filled with whores
Now they're on Sex and the City tours
My first apartment was a drawer
But, I'm here

I've been to Nobu, NoHo, and CBGB
And I'm here once on the PATH train
I swear that I saw Soon-Yi and I'm here
Stepped over bodies drawn in chalk
I know Son of Sam, the dog could talk
I'd do the marathon, but I walk and I'm here
Look who's here i'm still here

(Spoken)

Oh, no! Look who's coming our way! It's that
Woman from Westchester and she
Has physical COVID!

(Song)

The minute I coughed at the press
I knew New Rochelle would try to pin it on me
Superspreader! Spread a little 'rona with me

(Spoken)

We gotta get away from her

Oh, don't worry the homeless guy staying at a
Nearby luxury hotel will chase her off

Where's Rick Moranis?

Get outta my store, get outta my store

Man, this place is nuts, man
I'd move somewhere else
But the whole country's crazy

I know this country seems terrible right now
But you know what? Here, move look
At these underpants remember
They started this whole thing
Don't you realize
America is like these underpants? Because -

I get it

No, I know you get it, but let me
Explain it to the rest of them sure
These underpants are riddled
With ugliness and disease
But they still stand for something:
Love that's why I didn't want to sell them
Because they give me hope

And I'm especially hopeful now
Because we only have

(Song) three days more

Three more days to the election
But the results may take months
It feels longer than The Irishman
Boy, that movie needed cuts

Three more days of Instagramming
First these selfies that say vote

Prepare for the worst
So at least make it fast

November third's Election Day
November third's not far away
November third, a Wednesday or a Tuesday
I'm not sure

Why go vote? What's the point?
It's New York!