Saturday Night Live, LCD Soundsystem, Kyle Mooney, Punkie Johnson, John Mulaney - Subway Churro lyrics

(spoken)

Man, how long this train gonna take?

It says the next one arrives in
"forget about it, " pff
I love this new mayor

I'm starving, yo, newsstand guy
Let me get a Snickers and a bag of chips

I'll get you the closest thing
An Oh Henry! bar and a copy of XL Butts

They still make Oh Henry! bars?

No, and what does he want?

Oh, nothing from you
I'm gonna go buy a churro

You're buying a what?

A churro
They smell delicious and that's saying a
Lot considering I have active covid

You're sure you want a churro
An unwrapped churro
From a woman pushing a laundry cart
Who's holding it in her bare
Hands with a Starbucks napkin?

Look, I'm a grown drunk man and I want a
Churro to eat on the choo-choo ride home

Very well then, thе dye is
Cast, oh, mole person
Why don't you tеll this
Gentleman what happens when
You eat a churro from the subway?

Some disgusting evening
You will buy a churro
A loose unpackaged churro
And then your butt will bleed
And somehow you'll know as soon as you chew
That an hour before you a rat bit it too

(spoken)

Wait a second, mole people are real?

Of course, they're real
Imagine how great that
Would be to live off the grid
No more endless texts or emails

What?

If I were a mole man
Ya ba dibba dabba dibba dabba dibba dabba dum
All day long I'd drink a shoe of rum
If I were a mole person
We'd never have to work
Ya ba dibba dabba dibba dabba dibba dabba dum

I used to drive an Amazon van
Living in a hole is such a better plan

Now you feast on old, discarded ham

If I were a filthy mole man

(spoken)

Oh, wow, was that the actual cast of Fiddler?

No, it's just a lunch break at B&H Photo

Oh my God, there's a woman on the tracks

Is that a ghost?

No, she was just fired from Sleep No More
Now she wanders the tunnels

Is she okay?

Oh, I'm more than okay

I am high on bath salts
Every night, every day
In my mind, you three are demons
If you touch me I eat your face

(spoken)

Woah, this is crazy

I know, it's like are you even allowed
To do South Pacific anymore?

Wait, can you tell me where
In the city we are?

Oh, the worst part

We're in midtown

Where there's no food at night

You're in midtown

Where police horses fight

You're in midtown
Where the traffic lights are for show
The land of finance bros

(spoken)

Hey look
The subway train's making it's way into the
Station and it's got something for everyone

Did he have a lisp earlier?

Oh, the F local subway is
A-coming down the tracks
So please, let it stop for me
Oh, the F local subway is
A-coming down the tracks

It's called the F because it's effing me

I got bitten by a pigeon on my birthday

In March I got airborne HPV

Once I sat directly on the needle

Our new mayor said he fixed it
But I just got stabbed

(spoken)

Giuliani says hello

Uh, this is the F train
Running on the Q tracks
Skipping random stations when I feel like it

But wait, this train is empty except for
One guy in a trenchcoat

That's right, I cleared everyone out, you see

I'm fapping on the train
Just fapping on the train
What a glorious feeling i'm naked under here

(spoken)

Conductor, can't you just close the doors?

I would if Evan Hansen
Would move his backpack

And I am telling you
I'm not moving my backpack

(spoken)

That's from a different musical
With Jennifer Hudson

Stop bullying me!

I gotta get that guy on bath salts

And look out on the floor of the train
There's also a puddle
Of unidentifiable origin

I am the liquid on the floor
Am I pee or Mountain Dew?
Don't worry I'm flowing towards the door
Just kidding I'm gonna touch your shoe

(spoken)

Stop right there

Emily in Paris?

No, we're the guardian angels
And if you're looking
For a fight you're gonna go through us, easy

Oh, really? I'm possibly the
Real Jesus Christ
Wearing my famous New York Islanders
Beer helmet and if you
Want this subway you'll have to
Kill me again first

Oh my God, it's all happening

Just as the oracle predicted

Jesus Christ on the subway car
The helmet doesn't track with what
We know so far jesus Christ wearing Crocs
Why does she have a spider in a box
Jesus Christ, she's pretty drunk
And churros for everyone
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ
Feasting on churros in paradise
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ
Jesus, oh, Jesus, oh, Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ
Jesus, oh, Jesus, oh, Jesus Christ