Saturday Night Live, Beck Bennett, Kate McKinnon, John Mulaney, Kyle Mooney - Bodega Bathroom lyrics

Yo, just the Skittles
And do you have a bottle of water?

Uh, sure you want it super hot
Or solid block of ice?

Never mind

Hey, do you have a bathroom?

A what?

A bathroom you know, a bathroom I can use?

Dude, did you just ask to use
A bathroom in a bodega?

I mean, what? Who cares? It's an emergency

Would you like the key to the bathroom?

Yo, Charlie, if you do this, I don't
Think we can be friends anymore, man

Dude, relax! It's just a bathroom
I'm sure it's fine

And so it shall be oh, Bodega Cat
Show this man to the bathroom

Make a wish! Hold your breath!

(Song) come with me
And you'll be in a world of zero sanitation
Close your eyes and avoid inhalation

If you want a few parasites
Take a look around and view them
All the sticky stuff is fluid
Want to know for sure? Put a blacklight to it

(Spoken)

Oh my God!

That's right
You're the first person to use this bathroom
That's not a dog giving birth

What kind of creep would let
A bathroom get like this?

I did! (Song)
Who can sell you condoms
And AriZona iced tea
A loose cigarette and plantain chips?

The bodega man can! Oh, the bodega man can!

The bodega man can
'cause he mixes lots of pills
And calls them Tiger Sex Pills

Who can make a rainbow
Out of cans of Goya beans?

The Oreos are Russian and the ATM's Chinese

The bodega man can! Oh, the bodega man can!

(Spoken)

Enough! The child is mine! He took the key
And now he must pay the ultimate price!

I'm sorry
My son i cannot protect you any longer

Aw, come on! Feed me, Seymour! Feed me!

Stop!

Bodega Virgin Mary candle?

That's right! If no one else
Will protect the boy, then I will and I hope
That someday we can erase

(Song) the memory
Oh, this horrible memory
When he needed a toilet in a moment of shame

If you touch me
You'll understand what unhappiness is

Your worst day has begun

(Spoken)

Well, that was both beautiful and disgusting
I think I learned my lesson

Not yet, you haven't

(Song)

Oompa loompa oompety do
We've got a troubling bathroom for you
Oompa loompa doompety dee
We got an "F" from the CDC

What do you get when you sit on that seat?

Swine HPV and a wave of heat

Where are you at
Getting desperate like that?

The sink is a swimming pool for rats

I don't like the looks of it

(Spoken)

Wait, wait
Wait you got Oompa-Loompas in your bodega?

Oh, no, those are just Sour Patch Kids that
Have been in the store so long
They came to life

Hey look, Mister
Here's your key back i decided
Not to use the bathroom

No, Charlie, don't you see? It's all
Yours now the bathroom, the bodega
I'm leaving all of it to
You you passed the test

But what will I do with it?

It's a bodega, Charlie the
Possibilities are endless, because there's

(Song) 525, 600 items

525 thousand unrelated things
525 thousand flavors of ramen
How can we sell you one loose beer?

And shampoo and hot dogs and
The worst-ever cup of coffee
And tampons on the top shelf

Why are they there?

There's a guy who doesn't work here
Just sitting and watching soccer
And chargers

But they're only for an iPhone 3

And what about flan?
The dessert called flan?

Just-unwrapped flan

Bodega of love love
The toilet don't flush
The toilet don't flush

(Spoken outro)

All right, i've decided to drop out of NYU
And run the bodega full-time!

(Sung outro)

Yeah, bodega of love! Love!