Larry the Cable Guy - Fruitcake Commentary lyrics
[Larry the Cable Guy - Fruitcake Commentary lyrics]
What the hell is this? Russia?
What kind of moron would still give
A fruitcake for Christmas? Good Lord
You can't eat
The damn things good Lord, an Ethiopian would
Look at a fruitcake and say, 'Ugh
Gross! I'm going back to eating
Bugs and monkey brains' Fruitcakes
Tell you what, when I was a kid
We had to put two of
'em underneath the right-front wheel
Of the trailer to keep the
Living room sitting level
A lot of people don't know
But did you know this? The fruitcake
Was also the main weapon used
By Texicans in the Alamo? A lot
Of people don't know that
Fruitcakes first come to this country by a
Feller named Jedediah Herrington he used 'em
As fruit licks for his horses a
Neighbor did him wrong one day
So to get even he sent him a fruit lick
Throughout the years
The fruitcake has been used as
A last-minute gift or
As a 'you're-kind-of-a-butthole' gift the
Ancient Romans used to
Stone folks with fruitcakes and
The fruitcake was used
In the first steam engines
As coal substitutes
Burp Sorry, that was fruitcake
The fruitcake still today is
Being used by African
Pygmies to lengthen their wieners it's true
Now! You listen! They tie the fruitcake to
Their ding dongs and stretch it
So that they look good for the annual
March through town for hunting season that's
True! For years
Homos used the same technique
To get ready for gay parades
Until they stopped when the
Pineapple started causing rashes
So the story of the fruitcake is a
Good one so if you get one for Christmas
It's either: 1 'cause somebody's mad
At you, 2 you're a butthole
Or 3 you're queer and you
Need to stretch your wiener
Merry Christmas! Like Bill Clinton said to
Hillary after he got a
Fruitcake, quote, 'I'll be gone for
An hour, stretching his wiener', unquote
What kind of moron would still give
A fruitcake for Christmas? Good Lord
You can't eat
The damn things good Lord, an Ethiopian would
Look at a fruitcake and say, 'Ugh
Gross! I'm going back to eating
Bugs and monkey brains' Fruitcakes
Tell you what, when I was a kid
We had to put two of
'em underneath the right-front wheel
Of the trailer to keep the
Living room sitting level
A lot of people don't know
But did you know this? The fruitcake
Was also the main weapon used
By Texicans in the Alamo? A lot
Of people don't know that
Fruitcakes first come to this country by a
Feller named Jedediah Herrington he used 'em
As fruit licks for his horses a
Neighbor did him wrong one day
So to get even he sent him a fruit lick
Throughout the years
The fruitcake has been used as
A last-minute gift or
As a 'you're-kind-of-a-butthole' gift the
Ancient Romans used to
Stone folks with fruitcakes and
The fruitcake was used
In the first steam engines
As coal substitutes
Burp Sorry, that was fruitcake
The fruitcake still today is
Being used by African
Pygmies to lengthen their wieners it's true
Now! You listen! They tie the fruitcake to
Their ding dongs and stretch it
So that they look good for the annual
March through town for hunting season that's
True! For years
Homos used the same technique
To get ready for gay parades
Until they stopped when the
Pineapple started causing rashes
So the story of the fruitcake is a
Good one so if you get one for Christmas
It's either: 1 'cause somebody's mad
At you, 2 you're a butthole
Or 3 you're queer and you
Need to stretch your wiener
Merry Christmas! Like Bill Clinton said to
Hillary after he got a
Fruitcake, quote, 'I'll be gone for
An hour, stretching his wiener', unquote